10 Rules for Successful Co-Parenting

Successful co-parenting isn't about being best friends with your ex. It's about putting your children's needs first and creating a stable, low-conflict environment where they can thrive.

These ten rules have helped thousands of separated parents build effective co-parenting relationships. They won't make everything easy, but they'll make things easier.

Rule 1: Put the Children First — Always

This sounds obvious, but in the heat of conflict, it's easy to lose sight of. Before every decision, every message, every action, ask yourself: "Is this what's best for my children?"

If you're about to send an angry text, ask: "Would I want my child to read this someday?" If you're considering refusing a schedule change out of spite, ask: "Does this actually benefit my children?"

Your children didn't choose this situation. They deserve parents who can set aside their differences for their sake.

Rule 2: Communicate Directly (Never Through the Children)

Using children as messengers puts them in an impossible position. Don't:

• "Tell your father he needs to pay for your uniform"
• "Ask your mum why she was late picking you up"
• "Did Daddy's new girlfriend stay over?"

All communication about schedules, expenses, and logistics should happen directly between parents — through text, email, phone, or a co-parenting app. Leave the children out of it.

Rule 3: Keep Communication Business-Like

You're not friends. You're not enemies. You're business partners with one job: raising your children well.

Keep messages:

• Brief: Stick to the point
• Informative: Share relevant information
• Friendly: Polite but not personal
• Firm: Clear about boundaries

Save the emotional processing for your therapist, friends, or journal — not your co-parent.

Rule 4: Be Consistent Across Both Homes

Children thrive on consistency. While houses don't need to be identical, try to align on:

• Bedtimes and wake times
• Homework expectations
• Screen time limits
• Discipline approaches
• Rules about food and treats

When rules differ wildly between homes, children struggle to adjust and may try to play parents against each other.

Rule 5: Respect the Schedule

The custody schedule isn't just for parents — it gives children predictability and security. They know when they'll be where.

• Be on time for pickups and drop-offs
• Give plenty of notice for changes
• Don't cancel your time without a genuine reason
• Be flexible when reasonable — life happens

Using a shared calendar that both parents can see eliminates "I didn't know" confusion.

Rule 6: Never Criticise Your Co-Parent to the Children

This is one of the most important rules. Your children are half you and half your co-parent. When you criticise their other parent, they hear criticism of themselves.

Don't:

• Badmouth your ex in front of the children
• Make faces or sarcastic comments
• "Correct" what the other parent told them
• Let family members criticise your ex around the children

If you need to vent, do it to adult friends or a therapist — never to your children.

Rule 7: Support the Children's Relationship with Their Other Parent

Children need both parents. Even if you have issues with your ex, your children benefit from a strong relationship with them.

• Encourage calls or video chats when they're with you
• Help them make cards or gifts for the other parent's birthday
• Speak positively (or at least neutrally) about their time at the other home
• Never make them feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent

Rule 8: Handle Expenses Fairly and Transparently

Money is one of the biggest sources of co-parenting conflict. Reduce friction by:

• Agreeing upfront how you'll split expenses
• Keeping records of who paid for what
• Using receipts and documentation
• Settling up regularly so resentment doesn't build
• Discussing big purchases before making them

An expense tracking app can take the emotion out of money conversations.

Rule 9: Be Flexible (Within Reason)

Life doesn't follow a schedule perfectly. Emergencies happen, work commitments come up, and special occasions fall on the "wrong" day.

Being reasonably flexible shows your children that their parents can cooperate. It also means you're more likely to get flexibility when you need it.

That said, flexibility shouldn't be one-sided. If your co-parent constantly asks for changes but refuses to reciprocate, it's okay to set boundaries.

Rule 10: Take Care of Yourself

You can't pour from an empty cup. Co-parenting is emotionally demanding, especially if the relationship with your ex is difficult.

Make sure you:

• Have support outside the co-parenting relationship
• Process your emotions (therapy, journaling, exercise)
• Take breaks when you need them
• Celebrate your wins as a parent
• Don't let co-parenting consume your entire identity

When you're emotionally healthy, you're a better parent — and a better co-parent.