How to Co-Parent with a Difficult Ex

Not every co-parenting relationship is easy. Some are downright exhausting. If your ex is hostile, manipulative, unreliable, or just constantly difficult, you know how draining it can be.

But here's the truth: you can't change your co-parent. You can only change how you respond to them. This guide will help you protect your peace and your children, even when your ex makes things hard.

Understanding Difficult Co-Parents

"Difficult" can mean many things:

• The hostile ex: Everything is a fight. They're angry, aggressive, and confrontational.
• The unreliable ex: They cancel plans, show up late, and can't be counted on.
• The controlling ex: They try to dictate everything, including what happens in your home.
• The manipulative ex: They twist words, gaslight, and play games.
• The Disney ex: All fun, no responsibility. They undermine rules and discipline.

Whatever flavour of difficult you're dealing with, the strategies below can help.

Strategy 1: Accept What You Can't Control

This is the hardest but most important step. You cannot make your ex:

• Be a better parent
• Follow the same rules as you
• Communicate reasonably
• Respect your time or boundaries
• See things from your perspective

The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can focus your energy on what you CAN control: your own behaviour, your own home, and your relationship with your children.

Strategy 2: Go Low-Contact Where Possible

You don't need to be friends. You don't even need to like each other. You just need to exchange essential information about your children.

• Limit communication to what's necessary
• Use written channels (text, email, app) instead of calls
• Keep messages short and factual
• Don't engage with provocations or drama

Written communication also creates a record, which can be valuable if things escalate legally.

Strategy 3: Use the BIFF Method

When responding to difficult messages, use BIFF:

• Brief: Keep it short. Long explanations invite more conflict.
• Informative: Stick to facts, not feelings or opinions.
• Friendly: Keep the tone neutral to positive. Kill them with kindness.
• Firm: Don't leave room for negotiation on boundaries.

No defending, no counter-attacking, no drama. Just addressing the issue.

Strategy 4: Document Everything

When you're dealing with a difficult co-parent, documentation is your protection:

• Keep all messages and emails
• Note dates and times of incidents
• Track late pickups, cancellations, no-shows
• Record expenses and payments
• Screenshot important communications

A co-parenting app that creates automatic records can be invaluable here — everything is timestamped and neither party can edit or delete messages.

Strategy 5: Don't Take the Bait

Difficult co-parents often try to provoke a reaction. They may:

• Criticise your parenting
• Bring up past grievances
• Make accusations
• Send long, angry messages
• Try to start arguments via the children

Resist the urge to defend yourself or fight back. Every argument takes emotional energy away from your children. Simply don't engage with topics that aren't directly about co-parenting logistics.

Strategy 6: Set Clear Boundaries

You can't control your ex, but you can control what you accept:

• "I'm not able to discuss that. Let's focus on the handover."
• "I don't respond to messages sent after 9pm."
• "If you're going to be late, please let me know by text."
• "I'm not going to discuss our relationship. Only the children."

State boundaries once, then enforce them consistently. Don't argue or explain — just follow through.

Strategy 7: Consider Parallel Parenting

Co-parenting assumes cooperation. When that's not possible, "parallel parenting" may be the answer.

In parallel parenting:

• Each parent makes decisions independently in their own home
• Communication is minimal and strictly business
• Handovers happen at neutral locations (school, public places)
• You disengage from trying to coordinate or control the other home
• Children learn that each house has different rules

It's not ideal, but it's better than constant conflict.

Strategy 8: Protect Your Children

Your children should never be weapons, messengers, or spies. No matter how difficult your ex is:

• Don't criticise their other parent to them
• Don't question them about the other home
• Don't show them negative messages or legal documents
• Don't make them choose sides
• Do reassure them that both parents love them

Children are remarkably perceptive. They will eventually form their own opinions about each parent based on their experiences. You don't need to tell them — they will see for themselves.

When to Get Help

Some situations require professional intervention:

• Mediation: A neutral third party can help you reach agreements
• Legal advice: If agreements are being violated or you need formal arrangements
• Therapy: For you, to process the stress of dealing with a difficult ex
• Child therapy: If your children are struggling with the conflict