How to Separate Amicably
A guide to handling separation in a way that protects your children.
Read MoreThere's no easy way to tell your children that their parents are separating. But how you have this conversation — and what you say — can significantly impact how they process the news and adjust to the changes ahead.
Children of different ages understand and react to separation differently. This guide will help you tailor your approach to your child's developmental stage.
Before we look at age-specific guidance, these principles apply to all children:
Young children live in the present. They don't grasp abstract concepts like "separation" or "divorce." They understand routines, feelings, and concrete changes.
Keep it very simple and focus on what will change in their daily life:
"Daddy is going to live in a different house now. You'll have two homes! You'll stay with Mummy here, and visit Daddy at his new house. We both love you so much."
Children this age understand that separation is a big change. They may have friends whose parents have divorced. They're old enough to feel grief, fear, and anger, but may struggle to express these emotions in words.
Give more detail, but still keep it child-appropriate:
"Mum and Dad have been having a hard time getting along. We've tried hard to fix things, but we've decided we'll all be happier if we live in separate homes. This is absolutely not your fault — nothing you did caused this. We both love you more than anything, and that will never change. You'll still see both of us lots."
Teenagers understand separation fully. They may have seen it coming. They're dealing with their own developmental challenges — identity, independence, relationships — and your separation adds another layer of upheaval.
Be more direct and allow for discussion:
"We need to talk to you about something important. Mum and I have decided to separate. This has been a difficult decision, and we've thought about it carefully. We know this will be hard for you, and we want you to know you can talk to either of us about how you're feeling. The practical details are still being worked out, but we wanted you to know what's happening."
Be prepared for these common questions:
"Sometimes grown-ups realise they're happier not living together. It's complicated, and it's not your fault."
"Absolutely not. This is about Mum and Dad, not about you. Nothing you did caused this."
Be honest. Don't give false hope: "No, we won't be getting back together. But we'll always both be your parents."
Give specifics if you have them. If not: "We're still working out the details, but you'll have time with both of us."
"We care about each other and we both love you. But we've decided we work better as friends who live apart."
Telling them once isn't enough. In the days and weeks that follow:
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